And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
