I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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