I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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