my vag is so smooth its legendary
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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