He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
