We're like a lot better than the average bears
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
