We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
