you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The best revenge is premature balding
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
