I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
