At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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