Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
