we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
