i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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