At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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