His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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