You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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