Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
