My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Randomize
