when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
