I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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