So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
