They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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