I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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