Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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