we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
