is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
