Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
