Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
