It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
