I CAN MOONWALK!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
