That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
