I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
