You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
