I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
