Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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