Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
