we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
