Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
