He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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