Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize