i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
