I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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