I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
