My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Randomize
