On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Randomize
