why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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