Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
