I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
