if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
