he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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