My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
vagina is talking i cant
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
