Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
