The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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