i already hear my dad disowning me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
