there's paper in my vomit.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's never too late to be topless.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
