you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Who died my cat blue again?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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