My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
