Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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